Three words: puerto rican gang bang
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
