and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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