maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
