OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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