my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
this beer tastes like vomit already
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
