Your tits are I can't wait for
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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