look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
