We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
