Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
