I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize