So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
