If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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