How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
