there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize