you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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