Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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