remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
