i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
