shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
