Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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