i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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