also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
