We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Bring me that man meat
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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