when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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