So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
