woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
