this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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