so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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