I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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