why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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