OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
