she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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