my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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