Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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