The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
