i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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