Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
