I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
