took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
