just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
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