i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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