Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think i peed on brittanys purse
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
