Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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