I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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