He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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