i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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