watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
