you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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