I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
