bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
