My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Randomize
