I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
