Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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