alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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