the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
