he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
