I'm so fucking centered right now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I have fence marks all over my body
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
