i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
