my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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