at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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