Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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