There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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